


cavalier, renegade

by ShowMeAHero



Series: slam fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Babies, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Families of Choice, Family, Family Feels, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 18:18:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20783006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShowMeAHero/pseuds/ShowMeAHero
Summary: Richie watches Eddie do a headcount.“Yes, fine, let’s go, we’re all here, Stan— Stan,Stan,hold his hand— He’s gonna—Stan—”“Eds, babe,unclench,it’s gonna be okay,” Richie says, throwing an arm around Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie, miraculously, leans into his touch instead of away, slotting himself along Richie’s side.“It just— makes me nervous,” Eddie says, motioning to the carnival as a whole. “The whole… thing. Clown. Thing. I mean.”“I get it.”





	cavalier, renegade

**Author's Note:**

> How typical of me to turn this into a series.
> 
> Title taken from ["It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"](https://youtu.be/Z0GFRcFm-aY) by R.E.M..

Richie, through what he can only assume is the grace of God, is able to maneuver all of Leah’s limbs into the sling wrap he’s got strapped onto his body. She peers up at him, disgruntled, until he slides her sunglasses on over her tiny head. Her auburn hair catches on his fingertips, so he takes the time to smooth it back down before he replaces her hat on her head.

“Are you coming? Is she okay?” Eddie asks, appearing as if by teleportation at Richie’s left, scaring the bejesus out of him. _ “What? _What’s wrong? Is she—”

“Holy God, the _ books _our kids are going to write about you,” Richie interrupts him. “Calm down. She’s fine. I was fixing her hair.”

_ “What _ hair?” Eddie asks. It’s a fair point; she only has a very small amount of hair, but what she _ does _have, Richie loves. “She looks like a little old man.”

_ “Hey, _ she is an _ adorable _old man,” Richie defends. He looks down at her, stroking her cheek with his fingertip. She tips her head back to look at him, sunglasses and all, and he can’t help but laugh. “Man, you look cool. Way cooler than me.”

“Not hard to do,” Eddie comments.

“Stuff it, Kaspbrak.” Richie rubs a little bit of leftover sunscreen into Leah’s skin behind her ear. “Did you lose our son? You know we’ve got two of these things, right?”

“I’m right here!” Gabe exclaims, and Richie jumps, twisting to find his son standing no less than two inches behind him.

“Mother_fucker, _why are you so sneaky?” Richie asks, as Gabe laughs with delight. He reaches for Eddie, and Eddie scoops him up easily, settling him on his hip and wiping away a smudge of dirt from his son’s jaw with his thumb. Richie slams the car door shut, and Leah yawns. “Any sign of your uncles or your aunt?”

“Nope!” Gabe tells him. “Wait— Yup!”

"As changing as the tides,” Richie says sagely, and Gabe ignores him in favor of trying to crack his own head open jumping out of Eddie’s arms. Eddie sets him down but refuses to let go of his hand, preventing him from running into oncoming traffic to get to Ben and Bev. Instead, Gabe just squirms on the sidewalk, trying to wriggle out of Eddie’s grip while Richie slides his prescription sunglasses on his own face and watches his husband and son with thinly-veiled amusement.

“You could help,” Eddie comments to him, scooping Gabe back up and holding him fast to his chest as he goes boneless to try and escape.

Richie points down at Leah. “Nah, I’m busy with this one. Thanks, though.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Eddie says, just as Ben reaches them and takes Gabe from him. Gabe’s just looking for Stan, Richie can tell, because he keeps craning around Ben to look back into the street. He lays eyes on Stan at the same time Richie does, and Richie can only tell that because it feels like his eyes locking on Stan’s car has a soundtrack consisting exclusively of a child screaming.

“Stan’s here,” Bev says in response to Gabe's shriek, without even needing to look behind herself. Stan’s already parked and jogging across the road, and Gabe nearly brains himself trying to climb over Ben’s shoulder. Stan catches him and swings him into the air.

“Hey, Gabi!” Stan exclaims, and Gabe’s in hysterics. Leah watches her older brother coolly from behind her sunglasses before yawning again.

“Right? Exhausting,” Richie says. Eddie elbows him in the side, and Richie just laughs, dropping his arm down on top of Eddie’s head. Eddie shoves him off, mindful of Leah, but Richie just yanks him into a side-headlock and kisses the top of his head.

“You’re all exhausting,” Bev says. “Just, as a family. Exhausting.”

“You can say that again,” Bill’s voice chimes in from behind Richie, and Richie nearly punches him in the face.

“If you motherfuckers don’t stop sneaking up on me, I’m gonna punt you into the _ ocean,” _Richie threatens, pointing in the direction of the water. They’d parked fairly close to the boardwalk and the carnival currently set up on it, and the waves are lapping against the shore far below them. Leah fusses as his arm moves too quickly, and he motions to her. “See what you did, Big Bill, you scared my kid, now she’s gonna end up being a murderer or a comedian or something—”

“Let’s just go,” Mike says, leaning against the hood of Richie’s car. Richie watches Eddie do a headcount.

“Yes, fine, let’s go, we’re all here, Stan— Stan, _ Stan, _ hold his hand— He’s gonna— _ Stan—” _

“Eds, babe, _ unclench, _it’s gonna be okay,” Richie says, throwing an arm around Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie, miraculously, leans into his touch instead of away, slotting himself along Richie’s side.

“It just— makes me nervous,” Eddie says, motioning to the carnival as a whole. “The whole… thing. Clown. Thing. I mean.”

“I get it.” And, oh, Richie gets it. He’s been having nightmares for the last two weeks about this night, since they _ made _the plans with the others, at the recommendation of several of their therapists that they use this as an exposure. “It fucking sucks. Freaking Gabe out isn’t gonna help anything, though. It’s just gonna make him as anal as you.”

Eddie frowns up at him, but concedes the point, saying instead, “How long do we have to stay?”

“At least an hour,” Richie repeats, echoing Beverly, who got that number from _ her _ therapist. Eddie glances anxiously towards Gabe and Stan again. “He’s _ okay, _Eds. Stan’s got him.”

Eddie’s hands are twitching at his sides, so Richie rattles him a little before releasing his shoulders. Eddie’s about to protest when Richie takes his hand instead, and Eddie settles.

“I just—” Eddie’s grip tightens on his hand. “It’s— I want to be _ holding _him. It feels like he’s too far away.”

“I get it,” Richie says again. He squeezes Eddie’s hand, then releases him, jogging up to Stan, ignoring Eddie’s aborted protest. “Hey, Gabe, your dad doesn’t know where he’s going, can you show him which ride we’re gonna go on first?”

“Okay!” Gabe exclaims, looking so delighted to be asked his opinion that he completely forgets that he has never been to this place before. He stretches his hands out to Eddie over Stan’s shoulder, and Eddie almost sprints at Stan to lift his son up and out of his grasp.

“Thank you,” Eddie says softly to Richie, once they’ve fallen back again and Gabe has his head resting on Eddie’s shoulder, chattering away. Eddie rubs his son’s back through his t-shirt, and Gabe smiles up at him. It warms Richie’s heart, the bastards.

“Anything for you, bucko,” Richie tells him, kissing him on the temple before throwing his arm around his shoulders again, tangling his fingers in Gabe’s hair. Gabe lifts his head, grinning at Richie. “Hey, kiddo. What’re you thinking first? Ferris wheel, right?”

_ “Yes!” _Gabe agrees, all smiles and freckles and enthusiasm. “Stan! Wheels!”

“What?” Stan calls back, turning around so he can walk backwards and look at Gabe. “Did you say _ wheels? _Don’t call me—”

“Ferris wheel, Uncle Stan,” Eddie clarifies. Richie scratches the back of Gabe’s head and releases them both, returning his attention back to Leah and her disgruntled expression at being shifted around. He nestles her back in her original position and she chills out again.

“Ah, Ferris wheel,” Stan says. He drops back, keeping pace with Eddie’s shorter legs. “Is that what you wanna ride?”

Gabe glances at Richie, who just says, “Don’t look at me, man, Uncle Stan’s asking _ you _ what _ you _want.”

“Yes,” Gabe agrees, and Stan turns around again, finding the Ferris wheel and pointing at it.

“Destination: wheel,” Bill declares, and Gabe’s delighted shriek is almost distracting enough that Richie’s not horrified by the fucking funhouse they walk by. There’s a clown fucking painted on the side of the little attraction, and he jumps, because _ Jesus Christ. _He calms himself down quickly, reminds himself it’s all over and he’s older and that’s all in the past.

It doesn’t really help.

The rest of the night goes pretty much the same way, but on a steady decline. Every fucking thing sets Richie’s teeth on edge, to the point of nearly devolving into a panic attack more than once. Luckily, he’s got enough of a grip to keep it together, and Leah’s a grounding weight on his chest and in his arms as he carries her, so it’s not until Gabe is on the carousel that he realizes how close he is to freaking out.

Gabe insisted Stan take him on the carousel, so he did, setting his godson down on one of the horses and standing next to him to hold him in place. Richie had his eyes on him, he _ really _did, but when the ride kicks on and starts to spin, it’s only a matter of time before the whole thing is a blur of color. The lights are flashing, everything starts to smush and blend together, the music warps in his brain, and he turns his head, just trying to find any shape that might resemble Eddie.

“Eds,” he murmurs, and there’s a hand on his shoulder. “I think I’m freaking out.”

“W-What?” Bill asks. Richie groans.

“Fuck, you’re not Eddie,” Richie says. Bill reaches into Richie’s sling and takes Leah out before turning Richie to the left slightly.

“Eddie, he’s f-f-freaking out,” Bill says, in a low voice, and _ then _Eddie’s hands are on Richie’s face.

“What’s going on?” Eddie asks. He glances down at the sling, then looks over his shoulder at Bill, but it’s all the reminder Richie needs that he was supposed to be looking after Leah and Gabe—

—and he can’t see Gabe.

“What— Where is he?” Richie says, because the carousel is still a confusing blur of color. He can’t see Stan _ or _ Gabe, and it’s only Eddie’s hands on his jaw that stop him from running towards the carousel. “Eds— Look, let me go, I don’t see him, I don’t— He’s not on there, Eddie, _ look—” _

“Rich, calm down,” Eddie says firmly, forcing Richie to look him in the eye. “He’s okay. I just saw him. He’s still on the ride. He’s fine. You need to calm down, babe, okay? Get it together.”

Richie huffs a not-laugh laugh, looking back up at the carousel after a long moment of looking into Eddie’s eyes. He forces himself to focus, squinting, and he can see Stan’s head, then Gabe’s bright pink shirt, and he calms down a little bit more. He realizes this is supposed to be _ fun, _that he doesn't want Gabe to pick up on any of the hangups that he or Eddie have, so he forces himself into a deep, grounding breath.

"Everything is fine," he says, and Eddie looks at him suspiciously before slowly releasing him. The ride is coming to a stop, so Richie rolls his shoulders and shoves everything right back down to the back of his stomach and focuses on where Stan and Gabe are coming off the ride.

"Hey, bucko!" Richie says, arms wide as he takes a knee to bring himself closer to Gabe's height. Gabe runs at him and jumps when he realizes Richie doesn't have Leah anymore; Richie catches him easily, swinging him up and around to settle on his hip as he stands. "How was the carousel?"

_ "Ahh!" _Gabe shrieks, burying his face in Richie's neck, overwhelmed.

"It looked like it," Richie agrees. Eddie's still watching him out of his peripherals and pretending he's not, so Richie declares, "Let's get something to eat," just to give everyone a goal.

It works. Once everyone has food and Richie's got his chin in his hand watching Gabe try to maneuver bites of the caramel apple he's sharing with Mike, everyone's forgotten he freaked out. Except him, of course; he's still on edge, barely able to stop his hands from shaking. The Deadlights still hover in the back of his mind like a phantom limb; he wonders if that's why he's still like this so many years later when his friends seem to be doing much better than he is. Either that or he's just weaker than them; he assumes it's some combination of both.

Either way, the rest of the night is overwhelming. Leah gets placed back in his sling, and she falls asleep there, comforted by the rhythm of Richie's walking and his near-constant stream of commentary to her on everything he sees. She's the only one who seems to actually feel _ comfortable _hearing Richie ramble on. Gabe has a blast, following Stan and Eddie like a duckling from booth to booth and ride to ride. That's all Richie really wants, anyways.

The later it gets, the slower Gabe gets, until Eddie's carrying him as Gabe struggles to keep his eyes open. His grip on Eddie's shirt slackens, and he yawns so wide that Richie hears his tiny jaw crack.

"Might be time to head home," Ben comments. Gabe doesn't even respond, not even to argue, which means he's _ actually _ falling asleep. Richie's so grateful to Ben for suggesting it that he almost stops and turns towards the parking lot without a second thought.

"Yeah, I think so," Eddie agrees. When Richie looks to him, he's adjusting his hold on Gabe so he can hold his sleeping, dead weight better. Gabe's _ fast _asleep, and a glance down at Leah confirms she is, too.

"Sounds good to me, it's been over an hour," Richie says, without checking his watch, and takes off towards the parking lot with such fast strides of his long legs that Eddie falls behind, but Richie just keeps going, eager to be away from the funfair and the lights and the _ clowns _ and the lingering, throbbing pain at the back of his head, pulsing, _ Deadlights, Deadlights, Deadlights. _

They say their goodbyes, and Eddie takes ten minutes to strap Gabe and Leah into their car seats, fiddling with each strap for far too long to ensure they're all secure. Richie sits in between their car seats rather than in the passenger seat, but Eddie doesn't comment, just goes about his regular buckling routine.

"Are you okay?" Eddie asks, eyes down on his hands as he tightens one of Gabe's arm straps. He's giving Richie an out; vague question, no eye contact. Deliberately not pushing him. Richie appreciates it, because he's so tense he feels like he's gonna snap like a rubber band.

"I will be," Richie tells him. Eddie nods, giving the strap one last tug. "I might go for a drive once we get them in bed. Clear my head."

"Okay." Eddie does look up at him, now. "You sure you'll be okay on your own?" Richie's brain says _ No, _automatically. Eddie must be able to read it on his face, because he says, "Okay, maybe not, then."

Richie looks away, because he feels like he's close to getting pitied and he _ hates _ that. Luckily, Eddie knows him probably better than he knows himself, and he drops it, checking Gabe's seat one last time before carefully shutting the door and climbing in the driver's seat. Richie looks down at Leah in her rear-facing car seat, sleeping away. He gingerly removes her hat and sunglasses and smoothes out her hair.

"How's she doing?" Eddie asks as they hit the main stretch of road back towards home. Richie realizes he's been gently stroking her head for the past few minutes, but he doesn't stop, just leans his head against the back of the seat and watches her.

"They're both good," Richie says. "Just sleeping."

Eddie nods; Richie can see it in the rearview mirror again. They're both quiet, which is strange in and of itself, but Richie's thinking and Eddie's waiting for him, so the silence just stretches. By the time they're back to their place, Eddie just parks in the driveway and sits, not opening his door. Just sits.

"Are you really okay?" Eddie asks, looking up to make eye contact with Richie in the rearview mirror. Richie hesitates, then shakes his head. Eddie motions him forward. "Get up here."

Rather than climb out over Gabe or Leah and risk waking them up, Richie just climbs over the center console, squeezing his long limbs between the two front seats to get up into the passenger seat. Eddie just watches, looking only slightly bemused, until Richie's seated.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Eddie asks. Richie shrugs.

"There's not all that much to talk about," he says. "I thought I was going to be fine, but the fucking— It's all still in my fucking head. The fucking clown and the carnival and the— everything. And bringing _ them _there, I just—" Richie stops, then inhales sharply. He doesn't know what the words are.

"I get it," Eddie says, because of _course _he does. He _always _does. "It's shit. You're right. It's bullshit and I hate it and it never should've happened to us. But we _did_ _it _and now it's over and done with and everyone's _okay, _Richie. It's okay." Eddie reaches out and touches Richie's face, and it's only then that Richie realizes he has tears rolling down his cheeks. "It's okay."

"Motherfucker," Richie says, leaning uncomfortably across the center console to bury himself in Eddie's hold. Eddie ruffles his hair before rubbing his back.

"I know," Eddie tells him. He kisses the top of his head and says again, "I get it. I know."

"I'm such a baby," Richie says. Eddie shrugs, so Richie laughs.

"It's fine to be a baby," Eddie says. "Be a wuss, I don't give a shit. It's just me."

It _ is _just him. It's just Eddie, the one person Richie trusts with his whole entire self, the love of his life, Eddie fucking Kaspbrak. Richie exhales shakily, centering himself.

"I'm okay," he tells Eddie. Eddie looks at him with a furrowed brow, pulling back so Richie can see his face and_ know _he's getting a disbelieving look, but he just says, "No, really. I am. I'm good. I'll take my medication and sleep."

"Alright," Eddie says. He pulls Richie in for a last long moment before releasing him. The two of them unfold themselves from the car and bring Gabe and Leah inside, and Richie does exactly what he said he'd do. He gets the kids in bed, he showers, he takes his medication, and then he climbs in bed and waits for Eddie to go through his meticulous end-of-day routine before he falls asleep.

He fails at this, because Eddie shakes him awake ten minutes later, saying, "Just couldn't wait for me, could you?"

"Not my fault you're a freak," Richie mumbles into his pillow, reaching out to grab Eddie by the arm and yank him down. "Sleep now, freak. The day is done."

"I fucking hate you," Eddie grumbles, switching off his bedside lamp. He curls right back into Richie when he's ready, tucking himself up and under Richie's chin, and Richie just holds him, burying his face in Eddie's hair and _ breathing _until they're both calm and relaxed.

"I love you, too," Richie murmurs, when Eddie's breathing deepens and evens out, presumably in sleep. _ Presumably. _Eddie smiles, the very corners of his lips turning up in response to the comment, so Richie flicks him in the nose. "Go to sleep."

"I might miss more of your tender confessions," Eddie says, eyes still closed.

"Is it still a confession to tell you I love you if we're married and have a family?" Richie asks. "It's gay as hell, yeah, but I'm not sure it legally qualifies as a confession anymore."

"It does from you," Eddie answers before yawning. "Now, go to sleep, dickhead. Leave me alone."

"Love you, too," Richie says again, and Eddie smiles again, burying his face in Richie's chest and centering him once again.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on Twitter at [@nicolelianesolo](https://twitter.com/nicoIodeon) or on Tumblr at [andillwriteyouatragedy](http://andillwriteyouatragedy.tumblr.com/).


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